Because I said so…

Reader—

This has been a long time coming.
My energy for work has been very up and down.

And it’s taken me a while to find my words, and these are definitely not all of my words.
But it’s a start.

(You can also watch a video version of this email here.)

The once-a-year Parenting Essentials special was ending today (9/22), but I didn't feel right sending emails over the weekend when the world felt so heavy.

So I'm extending our special through this week.
If you've been meaning to find your inner calm, there's still time.

👉🏻 Check out the details here.

As hard as these times are, I'm more committed than ever to helping us be brave in the face of so much heartache.

So any kids of “because I said so” parents out there?
My fellow Gen Xers...
How are we doing?

It’s rough out there.
I’m not gonna lie.

Any complex trauma survivors out there?
Old feelings of helplessness creeping in.
Some caged outrage trying to breaking out.

Any time I see violence:

Gun violence
Starving children.
Abused kids.
Kids in jail.

I’m shook by it.

So I want to be really clear.
I don’t want to water down my content.
This is too important.

So often we think we’re just talking about "discipline."
But what we’re really doing is upholding a fear of authority and obedience at all costs.

Authoritarian parenting:
Favoring or enforcing strict obedience to authority.
Strict obedience. At all costs.

That’s pretty on par with “FAFO” parenting, right?

Kids need discipline.
There are consequences.
They need to show respect.
They need to listen.

That’s what WE were told:

How dare you talk to me like that?
Don’t you ever disrespect me like that again.
Who do you think you are?
You better not talk back.
Don’t even think about it.

A lot of us were told by the adults in our lives that what we saw or felt wasn’t true. It wasn’t warranted

They told us it was for our own good.
That they were just trying to help.
That they did their best.

But what they really taught us was fear.

They convinced us that our feelings —
Sadness
Anger
Joy—
—made us less worthy, less credible.

And if we dare pay attention to emotions that we’re “blinded by empathy” or “fooled by our concern.”

That’s authoritarian parenting.
The resentment.
The loss of autonomy.
The sting of being disregarded just for telling your truth —

It’s all being reawakened in this landscape.

I should be finalizing emails and editing videos, helping you feel like the rockstar your kids deserve and that you want to be.

But I have to be honest.
America doesn’t feel safe right now.

It’s not safe to be yourself.
It’s not safe to speak unless your words are pre-approved.

And it’s hard to feel like a rockstar when things you cherish:
Freedom
Autonomy
Human rights
Kindness
Empathy
Our voices

—are under attack and crumbling around us.

And yes, objectively, I am still physically safe.
I can sit on my front porch without fear.
I can go to the store without worry.

But let’s be clear - that's NOT true for everyone.

And my work was never just about parenting tips.
It was always about dismantling punishment culture.

I wanted to know how to build a society that was less cruel and violent and more kind.

How can we help kids feel more understood?
I wanted to know why they were so angry and violent.

Because I had my suspicions.

I grew up in violence.
Suburban toxicity dressed up in nice houses and fancy clothes.

Taught to solve problems with force.
And I don’t just mean being hit.
That was common for a lot of us.

I mean authoritarian, violent, unrelenting control.
I was punished for months at a time.
I was told what I could wear and who I could be friends with.
Isolated from friends and loved ones.
Punished for speaking up for myself.
Denied my basic rights at the whims of my “protector.”

You might know that story if you grew up with any kind of childhood trauma.
We lived it.
We played that game in childhood.

“Children are to be seen and not heard.”

We know what happens when you don’t obey.
And now it’s all playing out in America.

Voices silenced.
Fear weaponized.
Empathy is seen as a weakness.

That’s why I’m feeling so unsettled.
And it’s probably true for a lot of us.

Because we aren’t truly free if others are not.
We’re just pretending.
And eventually, what touches others will touch us.

For me, parenting became the vehicle to expose abuse packaged as discipline. Emotional neglect sold as “good parenting.”

Because how we raise our kids is how we build society.

Our words always matter.
But so do our intentions.

We think we’re saying one thing.
But it lands completely differently than we intended.

So with everything going on, I had to back up.
Reassess.

I had to ask myself:
What are you willing to fight for?
What do you cherish?
Which ideals, traditions, morals, and beliefs are worth protecting?

Each of us can answer the call in our own way.

And we can choose that in how we raise our kids — with relationship, brain-building, and unconditional love. Not with rewards, punitive force, and conditional attention.

In how we lead our communities — with curiosity, empathy, and respectful communication.

Not intolerance.
Not rage-baiting.
Not brute force.

In how we speak up for those less privileged—with courage in spite of fear.

It comes down to fear or love.
Not whether we feel fear.
Fear is an inevitable part of life.

Not whether we show love.
Plenty of monsters show love.

Real change may hinge on whether we feel loved enough to push past the fear.

Believing we can make a difference with the smallest of actions.
Knowing we have something to offer.

So, don’t shrink in the face of fear (I'm trying).
That’s the lie authoritarian parenting drilled into us.

Now, we’re building new communities.
We’re finding the courage to say — not anymore.

We won’t be silent.
We won’t be small.
We will lead with love.

As hard as it may be in these times.
Let’s keep helping each other feel brave enough to stand up for what we believe.

Remember, conscious — not perfect.

Warmly,

p.s. Parenting Essentials special will be open until Friday 9/26 — here ready to help you rise above the collective fear.