Healthy debate or harmful arguing? How to tell the difference.
Hi Reader,
When I was young, my favorite word was "Why?" I LOVED to discuss, debate, and question the logic of a situation. It was not a desire to be difficult or defiant but a curiosity and a yearning for truth and fairness that I still have today.
"She asks too many questions. Always asking why!" my mother documented throughout my "Baby Book." I remember so clearly the exasperation in her voice and the irritation in mine when we argued or disagreed.
I got annoyed when my mom would shut me down and not allow me to speak or when she would refuse to engage or answer my questions about the limits or rules.
I resented that she would use her parental authority to overrule my objections without discussion.
I recognize now that my tone could be unpleasant (dysregulation). But there were times when I was excited by a discussion in which I wanted her to engage. I was "arguing" because it stimulated my mind, and I loved working my brain through a healthy debate.
Of course, there were also times I argued because I wanted to be seen and heard or because I wanted her to KNOW I was upset and felt disconnected or unloved.
And while my mom wasn't always the cause of my dysregulation, I needed her to counterbalance my stress with calm reassurance and a willingness to listen.
She didn't have effective tools to learn how to respond to me. She thought I was trying to cause trouble or make her angry.
(But you do, and you can take 50% off all courses and get FREE domestic shipping* today only on my communication cards with code SHIP2ME).
So how do we know when healthy debate has become harmful, disconnecting arguing?
Sometimes, I am perfectly calm and open, and my daughter is still tense or wants to debate in a tone that conventional parenting would call "disrespectful."
But instead of shutting her down, judging her communication, or refusing to engage until SHE CHANGES, I always try to step back and look underneath her mood to see what she needs from me.
I take the emotional temperature of my home. What's it like?
If my child pushes back against EVERYTHING I say, isn't regulated after we engage, or if our interactions are a constant source of stress and disagreement - I know we've entered the "Harmful Arguing" zone.
One or both of us could be overstressed and need more practice regulating, OR she might feel so disconnected from me that we can't have healthy discussions until we repair our relationship.
If my child pushes back and eventually self-corrects or regulates herself when I stay open, engaged, and willing to listen or if our interactions are mostly pleasant and our relationship is usually a source of comfort, then I know we're likely in the "Healthy Debate" zone.
I might need more help:
- Reframing my perspective of her behavior.
- Knowing what to say in the moment.
- Letting go of old habits and reactions.
But I know it's OKAY for us to argue, and her resistance isn't a threat to our relationship OR my leadership or support of her.
Let's remember that healthy debate is a vital part of growth and understanding in our relationships, especially with our children.
And yes, chronic arguing can reflect the state of our relationship. But it often mirrors their curiosity, quest for truth and fairness, and their need to be seen and heard.
If we equip ourselves with the right mindset and tools to reframe our perspectives, we can transform moments of tension into opportunities for understanding and deeper bonds.
I'm here to support you on your journey toward more meaningful and connected conversations with your kids - so please reach out if you need help with something specific.
Thank you for being a part of our community, and don't forget to take advantage of our Labor Day Sales* - ending tonight, 9/4 @midnight EDT.
And until next time, please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect!
Warmly,
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