Why control feels so normal.
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Reader: What do you think? "I think kids need to have a healthy sense of fear. I feared my mother, and it was needed." A colleague said this to me recently. In the past, hearing something like this would fire me up instantly. π₯ I'd feel defensive, frustrated, and ready to retreat (or rage) rather than engage. Growing up steeped in the dysfunction of psychological warfare left me cool on emotional manipulation masked as "discipline." But over time (and with a lot of support), I've learned to get curious about how these beliefs continue to survive and even thrive. Why Fear Still Feels Necessary to So Many ππ£οΈ This is one of the core myths I've been railing against for decades: that children need to fear their caregivers to learn and grow. But do they really? Does using our power to threaten children's sense of safety actually teach the skills we hope they'll develop? Can kids truly learn without being afraid? And why do so many of us feel compelled to overpower smaller and less skilled humans in the name of "discipline?" The urge to control isn't usually about the child in front of us. π¬ It's often about our own discomfort. This is the real work. Over the years, constant neglect or suppression of our natural responses gradually wears down our inner sense of knowing, breaking trust inside and out. Many of us grew up without true sovereignty over our choices. And the moment our kids don't behave, those familiar feelings of powerlessness flood back in. π₯ Feeling like our kids are "running the show" is often what comes up the moment they aren't behaving according to our wishes. (We waited all those years to grow up and be in charge of our lives β only to feel like it was stolen the moment we became parents.) β The Cycle of Reaction and Control π§Many of us (especially those with challenging early relationships) never learned to stay present with our emotions. So, instead, we try to manage everyone else's reactions, hoping it will soothe our own. (I just spent the last year as an elementary teacher, so I feel this in my bones.) But nothing goes our way because we've tied our sense of control to our children's unpredictable behaviors and ever-shifting emotions. What does this mean for us and our family?β Fear, Powerlessness, and the Bigger Picture β¨You don't have to look far to see how deeply ingrained the idea that children need to be controlled to grow is. This belief shows up in our relationships, our discipline, and the way our culture and community handle conflict. If you're feeling threatened and afraid of what's happening in America right now, I'm right there with you. When our freedom and voices are under attack, it's tempting to shut down, feel helpless, shrink, or even lash out. β‘ Our kids are no different. They feel powerless, too, when they're subjected to systems of force and domination. The right to express ourselves freely, to make our own decisions whenever possible, and to feel our feelings without being shamed β these are basic human needs. But so much traditional discipline ignores this reality. Instead, it centers on dictating children's behaviors at the cost of their independence, intrinsic curiosity, and motivation to learn. Of course, there are times when we have to set limits. Boundaries matter. But we never have to be unkind to set meaningful limits. π€ When we start seeing mistakes as opportunities for teachable moments and recognize that a child's autonomy is the foundation for compassion and self-control (and not a threat to it), we begin to see that we never needed to "control" as much as we thought. The Real Fears Beneath the Myths π€There are plenty of voices insisting that empathy is a weakness. πͺ These ideas are not without context. They come from real, often unspoken, fears about:
And these fears? They're often passed down from generation to generation. They're modeled in our homes and our traditions, reinforced by the stories we hear about what a "good parent" is supposed to look like. When we operate with strict, unbending rules and punishment, kids learn that the person with more power always wins. They learn that love is conditionalβ¦ "I've had it with you." And power means controlβ¦ "Don't test me!" When children grow up believing those things, they're more likely to accept β or enforce β those same dynamics as adults. That's why it's so important to stay connected to our humanity when talking to our kids. "When cruelty seems normal, compassion seems radical." I've been sitting with this truth lately (ever since I saw it on a protest sign). Tomorrow, I'll share what helped me start to unlearn the patterns that were keeping me stuck. (Hopefully, it'll help you too.) You've got this! Until next time, please remember β conscious, not perfect! Talk soon, β β |
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