Are you unintentionally escalating resistance?
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Reader, What would our interactions with our kids look like if we weren’t so obsessed with the word “discipline?” If you do an internet search for “How to discipline...,” aside from cats and Tamagotchis,😆 the top searches are for:
These are some of the same vulnerable kids I talked about in my last email. The kids who will naturally resist authority. The kids who bark at us for trying to help. How do we respond to THESE kids without becoming more forceful? We often expect immediate change, even when we’re using empathy, and then feel defeated when our kids still struggle. If you were raised with expectations of obedience, like I was, it’s not as clear-cut as swapping out punishment for empathy. We might have no inner map for freely expressing ourselves, so when our kids' less pleasant sides show up, we might feel trapped, only seeing two possible outcomes: Control this with force OR So how can we ensure they develop self-discipline and self-control? I spent years wishing someone would understand what I was trying to say. As a kid, my behavior was treated like a problem to fix. No one asked what my behavior was communicating. We’re usually stuck in language like: “If you don’t do what I want, then I will...” This language didn’t emerge out of nowhere. “If you weren’t so bad, I wouldn’t have to do this.”
“If you’d just behave, everything would be fine.”
“If you would just do what I say, I wouldn't get so angry.”
Over time, we developed strategies to stay safe and respond to blame and disapproval. But we probably didn’t develop healthy communication or self-regulation skills. We want to support our children's development and teach them to constrain their impulses. Not suffocate their spirits. But we can’t force the immature brain into maturity with fear of consequences. I’m thinking of hosting a short live series to explore alternatives and help us break the habits that are unintentionally escalating resistance. We know the power of these words to silence us. We learn that message early on. We might even play along if we can. Our self-worth becomes tied to our behavior. “This is for your own good” gets confused with care and concern at best — and a shelter for abuse at worst. If you’re noticing that the way you’re talking to your kids might actually be making things harder, I’m gathering folks for a short live series focused on breaking the communication habits that fuel resistance and shutdown. If that resonates, click here to join the early interest list. Warmly, p.s. You might have noticed that even your most thoughtful, respectful language can trigger pushback, shutdown, or rage in your child. I've been there, and I want to help. Click here, and I'll send you updates as soon as the details are finalized. |
