Teach Through Love

Reader, It seems like adults who prioritize emotional connection are often accused of raising brats who take no accountability. I get these comments on my socials all the time. We're labeled as "too kind" (aka permissive) or "soft," and told that kids won't learn unless we're firm and disciplined. They insist we want to reduce discomfort rather than build resilience, and it's our fault that teachers can't teach and kids are barely functioning. I don't doubt that these things are happening in...

Hi Reader, I haven't sent a note since my last email about behavior not being the whole story. I remember once avoiding a huge blowup and steering my 13-year-old towards flexibility and endurance with only two words. 🤯 I would have never thought to do this if I had been focused on her behavior. I'll share what I said, but first, I wanted to check in before we begin our 3-week series on communicating with kids who resist being controlled. Those sensitive, sassy, spirited kids... You know, the...

Hi Reader, "I hope you grow up to have a daughter just like you," my Mom would declare with a tinge of bitterness in her tone. She'd usually repeat this after a disagreement. I didn't understand her, and she did not understand me. I don't doubt she loved me. But it was hard to feel through the wall of disconnection built of miscommunication. My Mom has passed away, so I can't ask her, but I suspect some of our clashes could have been avoided. There were always people telling her what to do....

Reader, “If we spoke to our friends or partners the way we sometimes speak to our children, we might not be friends for very long.” I wrote that when my daughter was little, and it still stands today, 15 years later. It also doesn’t sit easy with me because I know how I’ve sounded on hard days. And I know I wouldn't speak to a friend (or even a stranger) that way. 🌱 Oooh, but parenting through stress or trauma is different. It touches the parts of us that are still hurting (and healing). Our...

Reader, What would our interactions with our kids look like if we weren’t so obsessed with the word “discipline?” If you do an internet search for “How to discipline...,” aside from cats and Tamagotchis,😆 the top searches are for: Little kids Autistic kids Kids with ADHD These are some of the same vulnerable kids I talked about in my last email. The kids who will naturally resist authority. Who may not be able to “follow directions” without help. The kids who bark at us for trying to help.Or...

Reader, By now, many of us have seen or felt the weight of the unfathomable events in Minnesota and around the US over the last few weeks. Like many, I’m beyond angry.Worried for our children’s future. I’m also more adamant than ever about calling out systems that harm and oppress kids. Obedience and compliance are being rebranded as “safety.” And if we surrender to this thinking, it will continue to harm our kids (especially the most vulnerable). Neurodivergent, disabled, highly sensitive,...

Reader, I came across a video talking about raising our expectations for our kids, and I had to respond. The woman (with 325k followers) said: It's pretty lazy parenting to say your child is strong-willed. I’m going to expect my two or three-year-old to sit with me for forty-five minutes without a meltdown… to stop having tantrums every day. Raise your standards and expectations. Um, whaaat? I mean, I know this kind of parenting “advice” sounds tough and responsible. And when you feel like...

Reader, It’s the transitional, dream-like threshold after the holiday frenzy but before the New Year, where I fall asleep at 4:30 pm to awaken at midnight for more 🥧 pie. That in-between space where nothing is required of us yet, and somehow, that can feel unsettling. Anyone else? It can also sometimes feel like a week of leaky happiness — or full-on pressure to commit to a “New You” in 2026. Fix it.Optimize it.Resolve it.“Become someone slightly more acceptable.” 🫣 I love a good restart, but...

Reader, Where do I even start? It’s not like my heart is breaking... again. It’s like the hits just keep hitting harder. I have no good words for all the loss. My heart goes out to all the communities affected by the violence this past weekend — Bondi Beach, Brown University, the family of beloved American artists, and now an MIT professor. I’m also very aware that there is constant violence against children every day, all around the world. Trying to make sense of senseless violence doesn’t...