Parenting when your own childhood left scars.
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Hi Reader, What inspired you to choose a conscious parenting path? I didn’t need to be convinced that empathy was the right choice. It’s just that the alternative of repeating what I lived through 🥴 wasn’t an option. For me, empathy wasn't a “style of parenting. " It was about making sure my child felt what I never did: Loved. 🤔 But parenting after a lifetime of toxic family relationships doesn’t come with a “gentle” manual. And when viewed through the lens of a high-control family like the one I was raised in, it might even seem unrealistic. As a mom from an emotionally and physically abusive home, there were days I could only do the bare minimum. Because that invisible echo of childhood chaos still whispered, "You’re not safe," even though I finally was. ➡️ So, love sometimes looked like just showing up (even if my tone was short or my patience didn’t come through). I wasn’t always able to remember to put our relationship first. Or that her brain was still developing (and struggling). There were times my anger overtook my empathy. And if you’ve ever tried to parent from a place your own parents didn't show you (emotional safety), you know this feeling. The tug-of-war between wanting to be calm and wanting to scream. 🙏🏼 I wanted to parent with love instead of fear. But when your nervous system is demanding you treat this tiny human as a threat, your brain follows through. When safety hasn't lived in your body, connection can feel like danger. Finding the right words and knowing what I needed were crucial to my well-being, but sometimes I reached for them as often as I went to the doctor (i.e., never). I vowed not to pass on my pain, but how can I stop pain that’s become my constant companion? How can I teach my child to be herself when I’ve spent decades contorting myself into a million identities just to survive? Is it possible to create a home when we have never felt safe in our own?
Can we model boundaries when we’re still known to fawn and people-please?
Can we teach our kids to be comfortable with themselves when we’re still figuring it out for ourselves?
These aren’t rhetorical questions. 💡They’re the daily reality of breaking the cycle in real time, with real humans who still need dinner and hugs. I’m not going to pretend I have an endless monologue of empathy. We don’t need to become saints to raise kind humans. We just need to stay in the room (or know when to take a break). I want to be raw, authentic, mad, scared, happy, awed, and shocked, without censoring my every word. ❎ Because I am never going to be the gentle spirit that “Bella’s mom" is. ✔️ I’m built differently, and that’s okay. My child has met every version of me: the protector, the peacemaker, the overthinker, the one who hates loud noises, waiting, and schedules AND spontaneity, in equal measure. My nervous system shuts down when someone asks too many questions. (And kids ask 467 a day.) I’m still learning to breathe between them. I don’t want to feel bad about myself, but I also don’t want to numb those feelings. So, today, acceptance is the lesson. Life and relationships will always be a work in progress, imperfect, messy. If you see yourself in this story — feeling the tension between being the parent you want to be and the one who still flinches from your past — it's because you're growing! I just wanted you to know, we don't need "perfect" families to raise compassionate kids. We only need families that are fed, resourced, and supported. I'm cookin' up some new stuff to help, so stay tuned! 💙 Warmly, p.s. Subscribe to my YouTube channel, where I post new weekly content to help you turn the idea of "conscious parenting" into a reality. |
