When “just comply” is called safety.
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Reader, By now, many of us have seen or felt the weight of the unfathomable events in Minnesota and around the US over the last few weeks. Like many, I’m beyond angry. I’m also more adamant than ever about calling out systems that harm and oppress kids. Obedience and compliance are being rebranded as “safety.” And if we surrender to this thinking, it will continue to harm our kids (especially the most vulnerable). Neurodivergent, disabled, highly sensitive, and kids who have experienced trauma are a few examples. I’ll explain why in a minute —
“You need to listen to authority.” “Do what you’re told!” “If you don’t... then I will...” “You asked for it.” We’ve been hearing these warnings since childhood. Handed detentions since middle school. We’ve been isolated, forcibly removed from things we love, and sometimes even violently assaulted. Trained to stifle our feelings and please others. (I doubt that was the original goal, but it’s what often happens.) And lately, we’re hearing a lot of "If they would just comply... this wouldn’t happen." But compliance is not a skill. It’s used as a tool to control others. It seems harmless enough. But asking kids to brush aside their feelings or demanding that they follow authority at all costs is a risky bargain. ❌ It conditions kids to rely on someone or something outside themselves to do the right thing. ❌ It doesn’t develop the “thinking” brain because it relies on fear/control as a motivator. ❌ Kids miss out on key skills they need to resolve conflicts and build healthy relationships. I know when I feel disrespected, unheard, or stressed, it's easy for me to think, “Ooooh, I’m not doing 'enough,” and then double down on exerting my authority (hoping to feel in control again). How does this affect our most vulnerable kids? They get singled out in a world that expects everyone to behave the same way. These are the kids likely to push back when they feel attacked, threatened, or controlled. And I’m most worried about a world that’s leaning towards “just comply” as a way to stay safe. Some kids cannot comply their way to safety. When we treat obedience as a virtue, we teach kids to accept coercion as normal and to believe that using power is the way to get what they want. 🌱 That doesn't build morality. Punishment might temporarily stop behavior. But it also teaches long-term lessons about who holds power and who doesn’t. And when we normalize force and control at home (threats, intimidation, punishment, rewards), we risk kids growing up desensitized to the pain of others and the misuse of power. 😩 We can’t continue down that path. It feels like we've already lost so much common sense and humanity. In my heart, this is a call to end oppressive systems, not minimize the importance of self-discipline. I want to challenge our blind acceptance of forcing kids to obey authority and making compliance a point on our moral compass. I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can protect those vulnerable kids (especially the ones labeled rude or combative). I want to ensure we're giving them the skills they they need to advocate for themselves. If that’s something that’s been on your mind too, stay tuned. I’ll share more details soon. Talk soon, p.s. If you're wondering where I stand and how I've been feeling, I've been sharing my thoughts on YouTube, IG & FB. |
