Words I use to help kids feel safe (instead of small).

Hi Reader,

As a kid, my shutdowns often looked like defiance. But, I swear, I wasn’t trying to be difficult. 😆 I just didn’t know how to say, “I need help.”

I wanted to do what everyone asked:“
Pay attention.”
“Just sit still.”
“Answer your mother!”

But inside... I was drowning in noise, worries I couldn’t name, pressure, and (sometimes unreasonable) expectations.

👉 “You know better than that!” the adults often screamed before they walked away.

I learned that when things got hard, adults would blow up or check out (or both!).

I also realized words could change everything.
One tone of voice could make my stomach twist.
Another could make me breathe again.

Now I see what I couldn’t name back then:
I wasn’t resisting help.
I was begging for help, space to breathe, and the freedom to make mistakes without fear.

🙌🏻 And hey, we’re the adults now, so we KNOW how stressful everyday living can be, juggling jobs and our responsibilities while still trying to raise good humans.

But back then, I wasn’t “thinking,” I was just reacting.

They said that I should “calm down,” and that respect had to be "earned."
It always felt like love and acceptance were things I had to perform for.

When kids aren’t doing what we expect, it means they’re struggling with something. And they need us to stay close by (even if it feels like they’re pushing us away).

Because sometimes, “walking away” feels like abandonment. 😮

Of course, there are no absolutes.
All kids are different.

But “give them space” only works when kids feel safe enough to begin with. Otherwise, our silence can be perceived as rejection.

Even if I’m validating feelings, I have to remember it doesn't end there. It’s not just what I do, it’s what I say that changes everything.

🎥 WATCH: Words I Use to Help Kids Feel Safe (Instead of Small)

🫶🏼 So, I stay close (available — not coddling).
I check in.

I don’t make anyone earn my comfort.
We regulate together, in our own time.

Because, before, whenever I treated defiance as my child’s "problem," I stopped listening and waited for behavior to change.

❌ That’s a risky bet.

I was trained as a teacher to think that getting kids to “meet expectations” was the goal.

💡Now, as a parent of a young adult (and after healing my own stuff), I know it’s about first asking, “What got in the way?”

And, yeah, kids might “meet expectations,” through force or control, but have they really learned what we hoped?

Or are they reacting out of fear?

I was always told, “I won’t talk to you until you can speak to me with some respect.” 🫠

Or I’d get the silent treatment until I apologized for whatever upset the adults in THAT moment.

Now I know what I couldn’t name then:
Underneath all that resistance was just my nervous system asking for safety. And staying close, even when it’s uncomfortable, is what rewrites the story.

The difference isn’t in the limit we set, but in the energy behind it.

I still try to run away from all the emotional work sometimes.
This isn’t about getting it right or having "perfect words."

It’s about the commitment to stay aware through the slammed doors, eye rolls, the chaos, and the quiet (mine and hers).

Because my child’s "defiance" isn’t the problem.
It’s a mirror of all the times I was left alone with my fear.

🌱Now, as a parent, (as much as I can) I stay.
I wait.
I pause.
I remind my child (and myself) that it’s safe to come back when we’re ready.

I'm not letting go of control to be permissive.

I'm doing it because raising kids who think for themselves starts with building safety, not fear. And the words we use matter.

👉🏻 Check out the words I use to help kids feel safe (instead of small) here.

And remember, conscious — not perfect.

Warmly,

p.s. Video content not for you? Scroll to the bottom of the description and click the Show Transcript button. 📃

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